celibatic

It started as a joke, the way a lot of things in my world do--I wonder if that is the only way I feel comfortable saying my desires out loud, testing them in language, trying them out, listening for some truth.

I'm gonna be single for two years, I said. They laughed. And I'm going to be celibate for those two years (though technically celibate means "single" but whatever). The laughter died. The responses could be summed up in one statement: why would you do that to yourself?

I've been grappling with the why for a while. There's a lot of different reasons. I don't know which is the most important. I look back on the landscape of my relationship life and it is full and dense, with hardly any breaks in the tree line. Prior to this, I have been single for less than a year of my adult life. And in that year (which was not twelve months in a row) I pursued any man who looked my way, to little success. In the last nine months, I have done the exact same thing with frustrating results.

So why not take a break? Why not have some time off from this endeavor that brings me nothing but misery?

So how does being celibate change things for me? I've noticed that the bars are full of people who are lonely and desperate (which I include myself among their ranks) and they bring with them the need for fleeting warmth, for the night, and nothing more. I go with my friends to hang out with them but I spend the night distracted by eyes meeting mine and possibilities for the night. Ever since I made that declaration, going to bars has seemed kind of empty, and when I get flirted with and/or propositioned for the evening (which is usually rare, but it has happened), I don't fall like a domino with one push.

I find that I'm a lot less bitter toward men-at-large because I don't expect anything from them and I don't want anything from them. This makes my interactions with men a lot more relaxed. I am glad for that, because I felt like I was wearing man repellent before. Even interacting with my male friends seemed emotionally charged and awkward.

And really, the truth is, being single means more time for me and doing the things I like to do with no worries about someone else, I can write whenever I want, read whenever I want, hang out with whoever I want. And that is really what feels the best.