indelible things of Canada

his world: edmonton, yeg, loonies, twonies, red maple leaf, polar bear license plates, LRT, river valley, Muttart, vehicle, University of Alberta, Strathcona, porridge, money with bumps and snowflakes, bacon and tomato sandwiches, fleece, flag football, huddle, bombier, his yellow jeep, lululemon, helly hanson, mec, dadeo's, blue plate diner, strongbow with blueberry vodka, eman, seamless, Tim Horton's, whyte ave, 82nd, refinery party at AGA, Garneau, stencil bridges, provinces, the stadium, streetcar, mini doughnuts at the farmer's market, MRKT, Chicago Deep Dish "We're better than the authentic," vietnamese subs, maple fudge, outlaws, donair's, black dog, trimming his beard, saskatoon pie, coconut macaroons, hudson's, signs in french and english.

paradise: jasper, camping, white water rafting, wetsuit, Snaring River, inukshuk, elk, woodland caribou, longhorned sheep, lodge, his family, Adirondack chairs, eating bison, the green box, bear storage, glacier fed, glacier water, hot springs, osprey, witch's broom plant, Athabasca, seas of trees, canyons, waterfalls, hummingbird, mountains, Horseshoe Lake, teal waters, ball of sweatpants material, knit hats, nanaimo bars, the edge of the world, tawkeht, wood splitting, campfire, packing, wool socks, bug spray, rainbows, love.

the walker

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.

Buddha

Sometimes the call that wakes us up is unnecessarily loud. In his case, maybe it needed to be that loud, for the ones around him it changed things for them too, they made stands, they held their own, they said enough was enough.

At first we thought it was the thing that has been the elephant in the room for the last year, because we knew it was only a matter of time before it became a bigger problem. We argued and fretted, all in our own ways, all with each other, except not with him, though she spilled over with worry all the time for him. He knew we were worried, but he couldn't stop. It's not that he didn't want to, or didn't care to, he couldn't stop.

I saw his frame shrinking, felt the protruding bones in his shoulders and back, knew without knowing that he was being circled by dark shadows in life and in his dreams. I spent as much time as I could with him, I tried to make the time we spent together carefree and easy, because I knew there was nothing else in his days that was.

He lived in a prison of his own guilt and was bound by impossible standards.

No matter what any of us say about it; he was there, he lived this horrifying life in which he stole, beat and disappointed others. He lost part of his soul just trying to be a kid and have fun, he didn't realize what he was doing. Because sometimes when you're bad, you wait for the consequences to find you and live like there's no tomorrow. And so he did.

And now he is lost. I have tried to help him find a path many times before, cleared the way, cut down trees for him, held his hand and watched him die a little inside. I know that it is not easy for him but I try, because I cannot do anything but try, and because I love him.

Part of the problem with experience is that we must go through it individually to gain it, and so there have been many times when I realize he must walk alone and sometimes I can walk with him, by his side, but that is all. I am glad I get to laugh and enjoy him still and for that I am grateful.

Oh, Canada!