beauty, joy and self-expression

Funny that I forgot those words, what they meant, what they were supposed to do, the fuel that they were supposed to be for me.

And funny that at the time, I was only those three things so rarely, so little of my life. It's been almost five years since that declaration that I could be those things, that I was those things, that I am beauty, joy and self-expression. It used to be five percent of my life I was that and the rest of the time I was a snivelling, shrinking, insecure mess. Five percent. Really. My entire life was dictated by my insecurities.

So when challenged to remember what those words were, I had to search for them in my archives and when I found them I was surprised. Because it's so easy to feel like who I am is who I've been for a long long time. Even who I am right now is vastly more self assured and relaxed than who I was a year ago. And I thought, at the time, that I had reached the summit of self assurance and relaxation.

Back then, those words seemed so far away and so hard to see in myself. I didn't believe that it could be words used to describe me, ever. I believed in the process though and I succumbed to the process and along the way, I became those words and forgot that miserable girl I had been.

Unearthing them today, after years of not thinking of them, after a lifetime lived in the last five years, I am surprised at how small they seem, how perfectly normal they seem, how easy they seem. Even joy, which can be a difficult thing to grasp, I find at so many intervals in the day and I feel it constantly.

Today I sat in the park (I am really enjoying having my "back yard" be a giant park next door) and listened to people relish in the summer afternoon; while I tried to read my book. The sounds were a mix of shouts from ball games, dog owners comparing notes, and a father throwing a ball to his son. And strangely enough, even though I went to a remote bench, with my nose in a book, people surrounded me. I wanted to be alone, so instead of rolling my eyes over people not knowing exactly what I wanted, I got up and took a walk around the park, noticing a group of sparrows flitting in and out of the rafters of the stands near the running track. Those sparrows made me smile, out loud in front of other people.

Before, I was so concerned with who was noticing what a mess I was that I couldn't appreciate the little things and I wouldn't have seen those sparrows. And maybe I need some new words to live into the next five years of my life...