the audience

When no one is looking, is the difference. I spent the evening in his presence again, thinking after the last time that finally the pain might have been quelled, that he realizes I've moved on, because I walked away from him. I didn't hang on his every word and most importantly, I pulled away from his magnetism.

This time everyone was aware and watching which made me aware and nervous, and him awkward and strange and it was so uncomfortable that I had to leave. I was so mad at him for pretending I didn't exist (is it because he's trying to show everyone that he's over me too? Why can't I stop caring? When is he going to leave?).

I also took to pretending he didn't exist, using my hair as a curtain, hiding him from my view. I sat and tried to listen to the people near me, but his laughter as usual broke my concentration and made my head instantly swivel.

He knew I was there before he even saw me, and it was obvious that he had bolstered himself to speak to me in front of everyone, just to say hello. After that, he was reclusive, keeping his back to me, hiding himself in the center of his group of coworkers on the other side.

When I was leaving, he was coming back in. When I was coming back in, he was leaving.

I said, "See you later, guys," during the last of these frustrating passings and he, hearing me, even after just pretending not to see me, listening for me, said good night to me. None of his friends was around to witness this. I received a hello and a goodbye and that was all he coud spare for me, in the midst of his shaking unsteadiness, I got a bookend of greetings and that was all. And I learned that I can't let it go...