The Importance of Being Earnest

She emerged at my twelve o'clock on a bicycle. That same doughy face with the smallish mouth and big nose and eyes pressed like raisins on top. I knew her at first glance and I turned on my heel hoping she would not see the beat of recognition in my face. I cowered under my umbrella. I hoped that she would know better than to say anything to me.

So of course it was no surprise that she rode over and stopped her bike to ask if it was really me. The doltish gesture was followed by an expectant gaze to which I had nothing to say. Nothing at all. Not a single word. The bus was coming, the bus I needed to get on was arriving, I was already late, but that wasn't just it. I had nothing at all to say to her.

She seemed to nod in some sort of understanding at the panic in my face and the lack of words. She pedaled away strongly as I boarded the bus and I watched for some time her figure gain some distance then lose some distance until suddenly she was gone again. And then I breathed.

There many ghosts here, even though it is big and full of people, I have lived here for a long time and there are many people I have cut loose, cast aside, let go of, and in some rare cases been let go. These ghosts sometimes cross my path without meddling with me, choosing to disappear into obscurity, some forgetting my face, lost in the hum of their own thoughts. When I see them I consider the things that led to our departure from each other, and usually those musings involve some small coins of regret that when tossed into a fountain had been hopeful wishes but have since become unrealized and forgotten.

She meant a lot to me at one time. She was in my life at a time when I was a giant mass of uncertainty and she helped shape part of who I am today. She had been a coworker then good friend and perhaps a best friend at some point, and when I needed her the most, she took a critique I made about her behind her back and to a mutual friend and made it mean everything.

I knew I was somewhat in the wrong to do so, a lesson that has since affected me in always saying out loud and to the person that needs to hear it everything I feel. What bothered me was not her anger about it, which was reasonable, to some degree, it was her embarrassment that her behavior had been questioned at all, and by me, someone who was her friend, to someone else who was her friend that did not know the behavior in question. And all of this high school tomfoolery arrived when things between the burnham and I were in a state of despair, because I had done the same behaviors and it cost me my relationship. And so, in the span of a couple short weeks, I lost my boyfriend and my best friend.

They both returned some time later, him with more success than she. We never really saw each other again after that summer night, when she tried to convince me that talking about her with our friend was a very bad thing and I just wouldn't let her be right. Part of me was ready to throw away that relationship, it had become tiring, I could tell she was no longer interested in my many twists and turns of testing out who I was or might be, she didn't seem to care anymore, we had grown apart and it was a long time coming. So when she crawled back into my life in the most discreet way possible (through blog comments and emails) I made no motion to ban her, I responded to her as best I could with the advantage of time to ponder my reply.

Even then she was tiring. Assuming things that were not true, pinpointing the most inane details, pressing books of great interest to her that I found droll and uninteresting, cheerleading that reeked of tail-between-the-legs earnestness all without any attempt at clearing up the rift or an apology. So it remained, for me at least, unresolved. Oh sure, time has lessened the sting of it, and since I was feeling less than enthused by her friendship I didn't miss her very much at at all, but I still felt bad that someone out there somewhere in the world had tried to mar my good name while I was already down no less. I have no doubt that she trotted out the scenario to any of our mutual friends who would listen to her lisping tiresome storytelling. And that to me, that was the overriding hypocrisy that cancelled out my own rock crashed into the still pond of our friendship.

Over the years I hear of her in little snippets, like news items, and I find them mostly to be good things for her, that she too has been trying to figure out her place in the world and who she is as a person. Some of the news I found corresponded to that loathsome quality of hers in which religion was her anchor and bringer of great guilt. I felt badly that she erased parts of herself to suit her beliefs, but to each their own.

Sometimes our rift causes one of our remaining mutual friends a bit of concern over who not to invite (I suspect she alternates our invitations in the interest of fairness) and I feel bad that I'm partly responsible for a delicate situation. I don't like having these sort of emotional land mines to navigate, preferring things to be cleaned up at the parting.

So all of that was running through my mind when her leg halted her bicycle next to me and she obtusely asked if it was me. And then, even though I have found myself, known myself, I couldn't reveal myself to her and I still couldn't lie and pretend seeing her was anything but alarming and unwelcome. Even now, a week later, I still have no idea what I could have said to her. Because none of it really matters until you start asking questions. And I could not say yes to her.

our eden

It was a coach house, which meant you had to walk around the front house on the lot. Next to the house was a concrete path, the gangway we called it when we were kids, but on the other side of the gangway was an empty lot for cars, it was a sea of wood chips and walking on them was the best feeling, like walking on sponges or sand. At the end of the woodchip lot was the community garden. The plots were marked off in irregular chunks and varieties of plants in various states of growth sprawled across what could have been a backyard.

The coach house was this pretty little white house. We lived in the basement. An artist lived on the other floor. His name was Bob and he was the most marvelous conversationalist, he would bump into you and wonder about something and you could spend the day shooting the shit with him and felt like you learned something or went through something profound with another human being in a way that you just don't feel with any old human being. And he rode a motorcycle, sometimes he parked it out front of our house. It was an old Italian motorcycle and sometimes I watched him work on it when I had the day off and the sun wasn't too bright. When I had to leave there, Bob took my green plastic molded chairs on wheels and gave them a good home with the appropriate reverence and delight.

There was a privacy fence that was about eight feet wide and six feet high and three or four bunches of clematis draped over it, big bursts of purple flowers and the green of the leaves snaking up along it made me smile when I saw them. I decorated the roof of our front entrance with strands of glass squares on fishing wire and delicate crackled aqua ornaments. And then there were the cosmos I planted, the only seeds I ever buried in dirt and watched grow. The white wooden planter in front of our door held them and they grew into large stalky plants only one of which ever had flowers and the flowers were small and sad and shriveled up quick. Oh, but the stalks of those cosmos, the delight I had watching them grow, how I would stare at their shadows on the white painted bricks. They looked like a forest of trees in their shadow and I would sit and smoke and trace with my eyes every single leaf and I adored those plants.

Outside the house was almost like a room in our house. It was all paved, cement, but there were things from Bob that he'd collected and deposited there, collages of found objects, stacks of like items, a giant husk of a rusting metal cross that he filled with every profane thing he could find. He liked stuff. His van sat on the other side of the privacy fence and it was covered, so covered I don't remember what color it was, with doll heads and stuffed animals and vintage toys and pretty much anything you could imagine a guy who liked stuff would attach to his van.

I would walk the length of the house and stare at all these pieces stacked on giant wooden spools or cement cinderblocks. We grilled out as much as possible and ate at the table outside. We loved being outside and enjoying the wonderland that was our place. It was quiet, except when the neighbors were loud, it was serene, it was peaceful.

I remember the best times we had were in the garden, tending to our little plot, looking for where the snap peas cast nubile green tendrils up the chain link fence as we hoped, pulling ripe raspberries off someone else's underwatched plot and eating them straight from our fingers, watching with delight as the broccoli grew, staring at the asparagus that someone had in the back corner, watching with interest and then concern as the melon vine grew and its fruits spoiled or were half eaten by squirrels or rats. Our little garden was the best part of our meager lives, we touched and palmed and stroked so many plants, it was a delightful seduction.

We always got along well, spending our days in monk like silence and keeping to ourselves, meeting somewhere to eat after work, our nights curled into each other's limbs, but the garden and that space outdoors littered with the found treasures and whimsy of the artist Bob, it was where we learned to love each other again.