the gall/incomprehensibilities

It began with a gut feeling. After years of serving the general public, seeing countless personalities flash themselves at me in an instant, using those experiences to accurately gauge the beginning, middle and end of many relationships, I knew within five minutes that she was not for me.

I can tell you it was a number of things she did that left a pungent distaste in my mouth. Things that perhaps no one else would see for weeks, months, years, I could see just like that.

She is internally distracted, as if gnats were flying in a cloud in front of her eyes, her eyes held nothing and looked nowhere until she was spoken to. Her body is a long lean skeleton with some skin and clothes attached. Her skin was the gray of sun-hazed, overripe peaches, except it had nothing to do with the sun. Her hand came to shake mine in a limp dainty gesture that had no form and no urgency; she let me shake it and then slowly reeled it back.

And then, from this strange creature, came insincere greetings that floated away like a long dead pile of Fall leaves. They meant nothing, they had no substance and responding to them, trying to corral them into understanding was a useless endeavor.

It wouldn't be the first time I'd found a soul that was hollow. Her vacancy was not surprising or alarming except that she belonged to my good friend and it seemed out of place that my friend had allowed her to live there with another of our good friends.

And then, the idea that I should live there arose. At first it was a great joyous thing, but then I thought of her and that was my only concern. They assured me that she was just fine. Alright, yes, she was a little odd, perhaps, but mostly just sweet and nice. So I relented.

The day I moved in, she was on the phone and brusquely tabled my cheerful hello. Right then I knew I had made a mistake. I moved in all my things and set them down and went for a ride filled with foreboding thoughts I tried to shake off.

As the days progressed, I saw more of it. There was no room for anyone, she'd filled every available surface with her crap. She had piles everywhere. Her room was disgusting. She was disgusting. She belched, she stomped, she chewed, she clanged, she sang, she cried, I saw a year of emotions overtake her in a week's time. I had never lived with someone so physically and mentally intolerable. She had not a single consideration for anyone other than herself, and she often disguised kind gestures that ultimately benefitted herself.

Her actions were bizarrely incongruent: upon entering the house she would call out a hello from another room, but moments later ignore me as I passed, she would wake up earlier than everyone in the house, eat breakfast, do whatever for an hour and then take a shower when the rest of us were rising, she seemed very into growing her own herbs and plants yet she rarely used them and hardly watered them, she would watch television with rapt absorption but often chat during anything that we attempted to watch, driving me into the confines of my room.

As the weight of this sank into my days, I felt some relief in the other who lived with us. We two were inseparable and that only made her worse. Somehow, us two being friends, good great friends managed to push that buried button inside her that turned her into a sniveling version of her high school self, insecure and unpopular and misunderstood.

And I kept wanting to scream at her, if you want to be liked, you have to be likeable.

She was the furthest thing from it. I would often wipe her slate clean, forgive the errant belching (which seemed more a way to garner attention than to relieve her full stomach), ignore the strange mood swings, look past the promises made and not kept, try to see the human being in that walking deadness and every time I let things go, she'd add another intolerable element into my days, hair on the shower wall, battering others for things she was often guilty of, being a big giant bitch, getting a dog and not cleaning up after him or attempting to learn how to properly discipline him as she promised.

The arrival of the dog changed things from mostly unpleasant to dismal. He was noisy, so the level of noise she forced us to suffer through was added to; she traveled a lot and often requested we take care of the dog; he shed a lot of hair which meant the living room was full of dog hair and not really a place you wanted to spend any time in and she didn't bother to sweep his hair ever, not once, in almost a year. His presence underlined the fact that she is a disgusting person with disgusting personal habits and she didn't care at all how it affected anyone else.

I tried various actions over the course of year to alert her to these transgressions and each was met with a puzzled look (sometimes with tears and a litany of excuses), a gloss of understanding and a promise to correct the behavior, which ultimately never got corrected.

And so, it was with great pleasure and much relief that I departed that place, and now I hope to never cross paths with her again.

As the misery I submitted to begins to fade, the small stretches of delight in not having to wake up to her noise, not having to share anything with her, not having to see that glum face every morning animate itself to speak with me, I find that I have learned the lesson to trust my instincts, to know that what I feel is true, to honor that deep down place of mysterious but certain intuition.

Had I trusted myself, I could have spared us both, for I am sure it was a misery to live with me, as we were as opposite in as many ways as we could be. To constantly attempt to make her understand how unpleasant she was left me extremely frustrated and unhappy. In my heart, I do not want to hate; though my mind finds many ways to loathe, my heart was heavy in its sadness for the situation.