on being a weirdo

The dating world has opened my eyes to something I suppose I've always known but never really considered was a problem before. I'm weird. And not just weird, but kind of goofy, strange, awkward, pretty much any synonym of weird you can muster, I would probably nod my head in accordance.

I suppose it's not really a bad thing, and of course it's not a bad thing to me, but it is interesting to try and quantify myself and my life to others. In the last week, I've had two dates with two fairly random men and it was like a social experiment on just how much I was willing to reveal about myself, lest I send them running for the hills.

My weirdo-ness is relatively harmless, and I feel, fairly non-threatening. For the most part I have a set of values that dictates my life in different ways. I live a very minimalistic life in a shoebox of a studio. I'm environmentally conscious to an obnoxious degree. I'm devoted to my family and will answer the phone if my brother calls no matter what's going on. I have a group of friends that are like my version of the Seinfeld gang. We seem to migrate to the same spot every day to check in with each other and we often spend our evenings together without planning to. I have these strange jobs that require me to do what might be considered demeaning things, but I enjoy them. I like to have a good time, be happy and I don't really think about important things like my budget or saving or health insurance.

In the end, despite the weirdo tendencies I have, I feel I could pass for normal. Of course, I'd spend the entire time worried that someone was going to figure me out, and point and scream, "She doesn't belong here!" Still, I'd pass. The more time that went by on my dates, I realized the two men I went out with last week would not pass for normal. And as I look back on my dating life, most of them wouldn't, with a few exceptions of course. I guess I never realized that I was attracted to weirdos because I myself am kind of weird.

Sometimes I suspect that people have figured me out and it makes me uncomfortable, because I don't want to be seen as weird. But as I get older I find that what other people (at least those in the periphery of my life) think of me matters less and less.