I'm standing here, trying to start a fire, taking the scraps of love I have left, needling, pushing, worrying over things I'll never know, wondering if it'll work and scared about it working.
Should it be this way? To be excited and a little terrified at the same time?
I don't know. I want to ignore the need for warmth, I want to stay cold, but something bigger than me is at work. When fate calls your name you can try to avoid it, but it usually finds you. And I couldn't forget his laugh, his big huge laugh, and that moment when I was undone, completely and thoroughly upside-down.
I described it as a soul to soul moment, where two people touch each other beyond everything physical, and nothing around us mattered right then.
If someone told me I'd have that with him I would have been disbelieving. Because we've never had anything but stilted awkward attempts at conversation before that one. And I am guilty of book cover judging, in his case. He can't help that he's a perfect physical being, and I wrongly assumed that was all he possessed.
It's hard to be wrong. And in this case, I'm pleasantly surprised that I was so wrong. I couldn't have imagined the depth he has, the array of his interests, his industriousness.
I'm not sure if there will be a spark, if it will catch, if there will be a fire. I was compelled to reach out to him and put myself in his scope. His response was kind and open and full of invitations into his world. The idea of exploring another person in the hopes that I will find something amazing is exciting, but I don't want to force anything. I will never force that again, struggling against something and trying to find the brilliance I deserve.
As I was reeling from this endeavor, I joined my good friend at our usual spot, and attempted not to delight in the presence of a different man, far different than the potential fire, someone who I feel an instant chemistry with, a strong pull, a giddy thrill. He's brilliant, gregarious, charming, with a voracious laugh, the kind of guy that everyone adores instantly. I thought that it might just be my penchant for brits, but even the generally grouchy older man at the bar smiled and remarked on his personality.
With him, there is nothing to do, nothing to be, the ease we have is pleasant and refreshing and welcome. With him there is no guessing, no wondering, no waiting. He arrived on my horizons with a huge smile for me and I am eager to see that smile more and more.
And so we fell into each other, so easily, so well. Everything fell away and there was just that overwhelming spin, the carousel, the joy of being swept up by another person who has nothing to lose and everything to gain.
We have plans to spend time together and that will be the true test, when the liquids that make me uninhibited are gone, when there's nothing between us, no counters, no stools, no distractions. I have a feeling it will be easy and fun. I'm not worried about him at all, and for once it's nice to know that there's substance behind this, that it's not a bunch of vapors, a mirage, a bouquet of hopes.
And what's even better is that I've let myself heal, I've taken care of myself, I've given myself time to let go of the pain. And I did it without toppling someone else, without destroying someone else. So maybe that is why these two different men have arrived and given me hope for warmth. Now it's just a matter of choosing which fire to succumb to.
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