the magnolia in the hush of rain

hmm

It's funny what makes you think of some people. Today it was the memory of a guy I dated long ago sparked by a newspaper columnist we both bashfully admitted we truly enjoyed reading, not as an ironic thing, but a genuine pleasure.

He's happily married now and doing well and I'm glad for him. I miss seeing him occaisionally and checking in with him, but maybe it's for the best that I leave him be.

the windy city maki

Tokyo Marina! It's criminal that I don't go there more often. That spicy salmon roll got eaten before I could consider photographing it, because it's so delicious!

on being a weirdo

The dating world has opened my eyes to something I suppose I've always known but never really considered was a problem before. I'm weird. And not just weird, but kind of goofy, strange, awkward, pretty much any synonym of weird you can muster, I would probably nod my head in accordance.

I suppose it's not really a bad thing, and of course it's not a bad thing to me, but it is interesting to try and quantify myself and my life to others. In the last week, I've had two dates with two fairly random men and it was like a social experiment on just how much I was willing to reveal about myself, lest I send them running for the hills.

My weirdo-ness is relatively harmless, and I feel, fairly non-threatening. For the most part I have a set of values that dictates my life in different ways. I live a very minimalistic life in a shoebox of a studio. I'm environmentally conscious to an obnoxious degree. I'm devoted to my family and will answer the phone if my brother calls no matter what's going on. I have a group of friends that are like my version of the Seinfeld gang. We seem to migrate to the same spot every day to check in with each other and we often spend our evenings together without planning to. I have these strange jobs that require me to do what might be considered demeaning things, but I enjoy them. I like to have a good time, be happy and I don't really think about important things like my budget or saving or health insurance.

In the end, despite the weirdo tendencies I have, I feel I could pass for normal. Of course, I'd spend the entire time worried that someone was going to figure me out, and point and scream, "She doesn't belong here!" Still, I'd pass. The more time that went by on my dates, I realized the two men I went out with last week would not pass for normal. And as I look back on my dating life, most of them wouldn't, with a few exceptions of course. I guess I never realized that I was attracted to weirdos because I myself am kind of weird.

Sometimes I suspect that people have figured me out and it makes me uncomfortable, because I don't want to be seen as weird. But as I get older I find that what other people (at least those in the periphery of my life) think of me matters less and less.

the lay of the land

One fire has been put out. The easy one, the flammable one, the one who I actually really liked, he's pulled himself out of my scope, of course in the most polite and well mannered way possible. It is all well and good that nothing really got started between us and no one's feelings were hurt. I am largely disappointed, but I think it is for the best. The good news is that we will still remain on friendly terms. His company is boisterous and engaging, which delights me very much.

As for the other one, things have been lagging a bit. I think primarily it's a matter of both of us being busy and perhaps secondarily, neither of us are certain that there is anything to do about the other. Of course I can't speak for him, but I do know he's neglected to respond to me in kind, and it's quite possible I overwhelmed him into silence. Thankfully, I have been remarkably unhurried about him, and I don't feel any sense of despair.

I think what I learned from the disaster that was eric (and subsequently, any guy I've ever really liked) is that no matter what the circumstances or coincidences or my feelings on the matter, attempting to force a person who isn't ready willing and able into a relationship doesn't work. And realizing that has given me a sense of freedom I've never had before in this area. In fact, I can't even say for sure that I fall into the able to deal with a relationship category or that I'm ready to deal rigors of dating right now.

And yet, I realize that it is time to start the process, because this is a part of my life that is important to me and always has been. Why else would I moon so heavily about each potential whisper of a relationship if I was not hopelessly optimistic and desperately romantic?

I'm noticing this time around that my criteria is still the map I use to determine my next steps and that I'm a lot more realistic about whether or not there is a genuine connection. Even in the case of the easy fire, I could see that things between us might not go very well, but I was willing to negotiate because of his excellent personality and our obvious enjoyment of each other's company. The truth is, his aimless existence troubled me, his excessive drinking and partying was worrisome and our schedules were nearly impossible to line up.

As if that wasn't enough, a couple months ago I joined an online dating service with nary a date to speak of til now. We're due to meet tomorrow. I don't quite know what he looks like and I can't quite tell what sort of personality he's got. We seem to be good at the emailing, but that doesn't always translate into real life. The one thing I do know is that he's excited about me, which is a good start. I don't even want to go through the speculation process. As my friend Annie said to me today, we'll both know the minute we see each other if it's a yes or no. So I'll let that moment speak for itself when it comes.

And so that is what has been occupying my mind for the last week or so, along with the endless parade of work, stories, dishes to wash, laundry to do, etc.

Easter Sunday

Work work work

ashley's bday!

Last night was an unintentional "girl's night out." I tried to invite our guy friends but they fell away until it was three of us girls enjoying each other's company.

It amuses me because I used to believe that I didn't get along with girls and most of my friends were guys. It's interesting that it took me a while to realize I have more girl friends now than guy friends. I don't think I've ever been part of a girl's night before, actually.

It is in large part to my newly crowned best friend Val's credit. She is a pleasure to be around and we genuinely enjoy every facet of each other's personality. We so get each other and there's nothing to do around her than laugh and enjoy the ride.

Imagine three boisterous girls, giddy, intolerably glad to be together and you'd be watching me and my friends at the bar last night. We sang along with the songs we put on the jukebox, we laughed hysterically, we even drank martinis! I don't really care that I was being obnoxious or loud, because it was all in the spirit of enjoying my friends.

tickled pink

Unsolicited messages have stoked my fires.

I am glad for them, that they have responded to me, and that my patience has not been worn so thin that I haven't just walked away, that I could let two days expire and not fret myself into a frenzy, but just let it be.

Hmmm. It's nice to have something to be excited about again.

the doddering electricians

While I waited for the bus this morning, I was enraptured by the antics of two electricians attempting to untangle five colored wires across the lawn of the northeast corner of Millennium Park.

At first, they lazily attempted to untangle the wires from their respective distances, about twenty feet. This only resulted in the wires becoming more tangled and made it look like an imaginary friend was jump-roping.

The next attempt was carefully planned out over their walkie-talkies. There was a lot of pointing and gesturing. This time, the one with the more tangled end tried pulling his wires apart while the man on the other end sat still and waited.

Finally, the two men met in the middle and discussed a more logical solution. The older of the two settled in at the tangled end. The younger man took the reigns (or in this case, the wires) and walked the length of them until the most tangled spot which was somewhere in the middle.

They navigated each wire carefully. The younger man planted his foot on the wires before the tangled point and pulled the red toward him until it came free. Then the blue and white wires, which were wound in a tight spiral, he separated. Finally, the green and yellow fell apart and he was able to resume collecting the wires together in a bunch and handed them off to the older man.

I wished I could have watched them all day. What were the wires meant for? What exactly were they doing with them? Was it all a show? Did they realize I was watching them?

a thoughtful gift...

A giant block of chocolate from Germany. Keks is short for biscuits and Nuss is short for hazelnuts. And, I might add, delicious!

a rare occurrence:

Home brewed!

the magnolia tree

anticipation

snow day

here comes the sun; fire building

I'm standing here, trying to start a fire, taking the scraps of love I have left, needling, pushing, worrying over things I'll never know, wondering if it'll work and scared about it working.

Should it be this way? To be excited and a little terrified at the same time?

I don't know. I want to ignore the need for warmth, I want to stay cold, but something bigger than me is at work. When fate calls your name you can try to avoid it, but it usually finds you. And I couldn't forget his laugh, his big huge laugh, and that moment when I was undone, completely and thoroughly upside-down.

I described it as a soul to soul moment, where two people touch each other beyond everything physical, and nothing around us mattered right then.

If someone told me I'd have that with him I would have been disbelieving. Because we've never had anything but stilted awkward attempts at conversation before that one. And I am guilty of book cover judging, in his case. He can't help that he's a perfect physical being, and I wrongly assumed that was all he possessed.

It's hard to be wrong. And in this case, I'm pleasantly surprised that I was so wrong. I couldn't have imagined the depth he has, the array of his interests, his industriousness.

I'm not sure if there will be a spark, if it will catch, if there will be a fire. I was compelled to reach out to him and put myself in his scope. His response was kind and open and full of invitations into his world. The idea of exploring another person in the hopes that I will find something amazing is exciting, but I don't want to force anything. I will never force that again, struggling against something and trying to find the brilliance I deserve.

As I was reeling from this endeavor, I joined my good friend at our usual spot, and attempted not to delight in the presence of a different man, far different than the potential fire, someone who I feel an instant chemistry with, a strong pull, a giddy thrill. He's brilliant, gregarious, charming, with a voracious laugh, the kind of guy that everyone adores instantly. I thought that it might just be my penchant for brits, but even the generally grouchy older man at the bar smiled and remarked on his personality.

With him, there is nothing to do, nothing to be, the ease we have is pleasant and refreshing and welcome. With him there is no guessing, no wondering, no waiting. He arrived on my horizons with a huge smile for me and I am eager to see that smile more and more.

And so we fell into each other, so easily, so well. Everything fell away and there was just that overwhelming spin, the carousel, the joy of being swept up by another person who has nothing to lose and everything to gain.

We have plans to spend time together and that will be the true test, when the liquids that make me uninhibited are gone, when there's nothing between us, no counters, no stools, no distractions. I have a feeling it will be easy and fun. I'm not worried about him at all, and for once it's nice to know that there's substance behind this, that it's not a bunch of vapors, a mirage, a bouquet of hopes.

And what's even better is that I've let myself heal, I've taken care of myself, I've given myself time to let go of the pain. And I did it without toppling someone else, without destroying someone else. So maybe that is why these two different men have arrived and given me hope for warmth. Now it's just a matter of choosing which fire to succumb to.

writing as another job of mine...

This week began what my writing partner hailed as The Plan to Take Over the World, One Page At a Time.

I've mentioned my writing partner before. She's extremely enthusiastic and highly motivated and very delightful. I'm lucky that we've found each other and I adore her. If it wasn't for her, my writing would have become another thing I did once, or tried to do once, but instead, thanks to her, it is a constant whirring of gears and machinery and excitement. I suppose it's equal in that I've provided her with the essential prodding and poking we need as artists and she's crafted a screenplay while sitting across from me, as well as fits and starts of other things.

The plan is a five pronged attack meant to get me to write more, to think of writing every day, to be inspired to write, write, write. 1)journal writing, 2)at least a half hour of fiction writing per day, 3)meeting with each other regularly, 4)co-writing our screenplay (a whole 'nother story) and 5)getting shit published.

For both of us, that last one has been problematic. I think it is something that the Fiction Department really drops the ball on. If we had to craft full movements for class, then wouldn't it stand to reason that sending them out to a publication should be a requirement as well? I only had to send out one piece as an assignment for a fiction writing class in the four years I spent writing there.

The other problem is that a "full movement" is a difficult thing to come by. I know for myself there is always something more that could be done to a piece. It is rare that I can look at something and say it's finished and there's nothing more I can do with it. I have so many nearly completed things, and a lot of other stuff that's half done. So that is part of the job there is to do, to polish and clean up and inventory all of those things, to get them ready for publication.

Oh, and on top of all that, I have five jobs! And a fairly active social life! And I seem to be busy all the time!

So far it's been going well. I've been enjoying journaling the most. It's a pleasure I hadn't realized I'd missed. Because I mainly blog here, I rarely take a pen to paper. [And my blogging here has been paltry, to say the least.]

The meetings have been crazy. We've already met three times this week with another meeting scheduled for tomorrow. I'm so impressed with myself that I could make it work with my crazy life and that the people I work for are so supportive. I told my one boss that I needed to work a half day and she said no problem and even drove me to my destination! I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.

One of the things we've committed to doing more of is to read books more often. As my general commute has been shortened into ten minutes, my reading has diminished greatly. Not that I could read Faulkner very well on the bus anyway. But I've been taking out time to read and it's been very pleasant. I sit in my chair by the window and read while the sun goes down.

All of this may seem silly or unnecessary or scoff worthy, but I've found it inspiring enough to comply on a daily basis. And that is the real victory. The world will just be the frosting on the cake.