generally speaking:

THE APPLICATION: The deadline looms, the manuscript is coming together, I've got the three letters of recommendation. I'm going to try to put it in the mail Monday the 28th. I am at once nervous, terrified and thrilled to be embarking on this process again.

WORK, WORK, WORK: I now have a new job which brings the total to five. I feel like I work all the time and have nothing to show for it except the haggard memories of a drunken night. I will be at Siena a lot the next couple weeks because everyone is on vacation and things are down with my other jobs. But it is all just what I must do to make it to the next day and it will be okay.

THE QUIET FRENCH MAJOR: Hasn't called me, hasn't been here, may have disappeared for good. Or, he may show up shortly before school resumes and the last six weeks will be explained away. Maybe.

THE DRUNKEN AMBUSHER: Continues to slather me with laughs, excitement and fun. He inspires me to do good things for him, he makes me thrilled to be alive, he makes me want all the things I'd thought I would never want again. And yet, I know that there's a line we might never cross and it's probably useless to hope for things to work out for the best, but damn, he still makes the room spin, my cheeks flush and it's perfect for now.

THE EX: Sent me a dumb email wishing me and my family Happy Holidays. Weird. Dumb. Annoying.

THE HEALTH PLAN: I've gotten back to smoking a lot again. I think it's the stress of everything. But, I do also love sitting in my apartment and looking out the window and smoking. A lot. So it's okay for now. I will probably start the lemonade diet sometime after new year's. I think it will be tedious and horrible, but the result will be fantastic. I've been having low grade migraines for four days that are not bad enough to be worrisome, but consistent enough to bother me throughout the days.

RANDOMNESS: A guy who usually never talks to me at the cafe stayed and chatted with me about his home town, where he's going for the holidays. I've been having a lot of real meaningful random conversations with customers lately. I don't know if it's the weather (it's frigidly cold and everyone is an ally against the weather), the holidays (making people less grumpy), or what, but it's very sweet to feel a connection to someone I've never been able to crack before.