the element of surprise

I was completely baffled by a man yesterday. He came out of nowhere. He took the sheet of my armor and flicked it away. He made me feel instantly comfortable and witty, smart and beautiful. He put me so at ease that when he kissed me I was surprised. I wasn't expecting it at all.

Because technically speaking, we're friends. About two years ago, when I first met him I thought he was absolutely gorgeous and smart to boot. There was one big problem though. He was still in love with his ex. It was so painful for him that it completely gripped his entire identity, and there was nothing left for anyone else. So I settled for being his friend.

And then Eric and I got back together. As he was beginning to loosen the noose of his ex's grip, I was slipping mine happily back on. And so I watched him take home my smiling friends, who reported that it was fairly ho-hum and they never spoke to him again. I tried not to be jealous or unkind. I simply observed.

Recently, he's hasn't been around the nightspots. Or on the weekends he pauses at the coffeeshop when I look my worst. Once I was riding the bus by the cafe and I happened to see him look in the window of the cafe and walk on, because I wasn't there. He often waves as he walks by.

The last time I saw him before yesterday, he was with a girl young enough to look like his daughter. He refused to come over to talk to me. He smiled and cajoled from afar, but he was on a date. And it was obvious that he was not going to be interrupted by my antics. The next time I saw him at the cafe, I teased him mercilessly, something I love to do. He was amused and unrepentant. We both blushed.

And then there was yesterday. Yesterday, he was a guy at the table with a buddy. He was having a beer and a slice of pizza. He was already there when I arrived. I arrived drunk. I didn't notice him at first. My friend pointed him out to me. And I was indifferent. Oh him? Whatever. We talked a bit and my friend pointed out that he wouldn't even catch her eye. I said, he will look at me if I look in his direction. And he did.

Outside, we smoked and he tried to strike up a conversation with me. I teased him. Oh now you want to talk to me...I see how it is. We laughed. We talked. I met his friend. I thought his friend was great and we had a lot in common. Slowly, I transitioned from my friends at the bar to a seat at their table. We talked, we drank, we smoked. We had a great time. And amazingly, I never once imagined being kissed by either of them. I thought they were both great, but that was that. I'm still holding out hope for my quiet french major. At least, I was.

Now there is the familiar tailspin, the sense of regret, the feeling of uncertainty. I could see us falling into each other fairly easily but I'm not sure either of us wants that. I think we might be able to get to what we what if we can just get past the fact that I was in his house and we stayed awake til the sun rose. Also, I've seen what happens when he takes someone home. They never talk again. I'm worried about that. I'd rather be friends with him than awkwardly not talk to him at all. It will all come about in time. Thankfully, I made my feelings known straightaway. I'm no longer hiding behind what if's and what could be's?

And if he does turn out to be as great as he promises, then I look forward to losing myself in someone else for a while.