accumlation/expulsion

one foot in front of the other 4/03/11

When the coins fell, when I was brought to my knees by the mess I had made with my life, there was nothing I could do but pick them up. And laugh.

I'd already been broke for a week, spent my birthday hoping no one would want to do anything that cost money and anticipating that I had a little money to spend, but I found out it was less than a little, and of course, in typical me fashion, I didn't save it, hold on to it, I gave it away to the first person who gave me more than it was worth. And I stumbled home, drunk and destitute. Happy fucking birthday. I boarded the bus with a clear mind to get home and promptly fell into a deep sleep. When time resumed, when I awoke two hours later, I was far past my stop, so I got off and did what I do best, I let my legs out and moved my feet one step at a time and kept moving.

end of year sale 12/23/10

Sometimes, I look around and think, How did this happen?

It's a wonder. It's a wonder. I really thought I would be somewhere by now. Somewhere good and clean and good. And there is nothing. Actually, it's a negativeness, the most of it, the checks and balances lie mostly checked in the how did I get here category?

"how did you get so drunk?"/this juncture 12/18/10

I equally love and hate my life. It is the best time of my life. I am as free as possible. I am still constrained by the efforts of laboring for money to pay my bills and live the life I love, but for the most part, everything is just fine

the prison of guilt 11/09/10

he sits in his self-made prison. (What is my prison? Where am I free?)

wasps in my brain 11/08/10

feverish, unnecessary, the opposite of normal, where more time passing helps create tangibility and comfort. I am smitten.

untitled 8/26/10

After so many times of talking myself out of it, and wanting to go but not wanting to, I went.

spirit animal 8/09/10

It came to me like a clap of thunder; and I knew it instantly, and could not disagree.

I was sitting on the bus and I was very high, the kind of high when you vacillate from delighted to paranoid in a moment's notice. All of a sudden, yes, really, that archaic storyteller's device is suitable for use here, all of a sudden a dragonfly was lazily exploring the confines of the 22 Clark bus. And I seemed to be the only one who noticed.

on proving everyone wrong 7/9/10

I did it.

quest: 4/30/10

After the one particularly painful break-up I've endured (I described it as losing a vital integral body part) I wrote this sometime in November of 2002 as a rough estimate of what I wanted in a relationship:

And the thing is, more than anything, I just want to be wanted, to be consumed, to be ravaged, to be explored, to be taken, to be filled, to be emptied, to be burned, to be restored, to be used up and replenished.

untitled 4/23/10

In my last entry, I said that I wanted to experience the practice of the cleanse not solely for the health benefits, but for the halting of my busy life.

I wrote that entry in the bed of the mother I was standing in for, the woman I babysit for, as she was waking up in London. I had some idea there was a volcano that erupted, and as people across the internet began to whine about not being able to travel to and from London because of the cloud of ash that sat in the sky and caused a scramble between the airlines and scientists, I still hadn't connected the dots. It wasn't until she emailed me that it dawned on me. She was stuck, which meant, in turn that I was stuck. And for a week, I lived her life and unexpectedly got my wish.

arrival 4/1/10

My mom says I'm kooky. I've arrived at my destination. Always saw kooky people and thought, wow, those people look like they know how to have fun. And now I am one of them.