the ghost

He is a curious case. He wanders into my periphery when I least expect it. I've mentioned him before, somewhere. Yesterday he was a passing fancy, a ghost, a reminder of the past, of years ago.

Once, his beautiful face turned toward me and asked me questions I couldn't answer. He was the most perfect physical representation of beauty in a man I've ever seen. He even had glasses, which I love on men. And his hair, it curled about his ears and neck. His stature was lean, a swimmer's build, and his clothing unconcerned but cool.

Much later, after we'd established that our centers were drawn to each other, were pulled toward each other, we had an actual conversation in a bar, along a bar, over a beer. At the time I was younger, but still much too old for him. He repeated my age with a distant awe, a faraway tenderness of the unimaginable.

And then I met his girlfriend at the time, a short, squat, horrible thing, who could be called repulsive with no shame. And then I heard him do what he was most passionate about and it was also repulsive. He could sort of play the guitar, but he could not sing and he was purporting to do so and do it well. I was embarrassed that I had believed he could be my salvation, that he could be the one I thought I was looking for.

Thankfully he moved away.

And then he returned again. He did not remember me. And I was amused by his youth, by all that he lacked. He claimed to be moving somewhere else soon. I wasn't mad at him for not being what I needed, I gave him fond wishes for the future and forgot him.

Then there was yesterday. I was standing in contemplation, with my friend Val, completely unsuspecting him. His shadow of height forced my attention to him, as I always notice a tall man. And his face was the same, still boyishly obscure, always half smiling, so open and beautiful. And I still didn't recognize him. I saw his eyes turn toward me and he stopped lightly in his tracks, I could sense his attraction to me, and I was happy because I knew I looked good. He smiled and continued past, maybe not remembering me at all, again, that pain of not being memorable, but he did glance at me with some flicker of interest, some wondering.

When he was at least twenty feet away I realized it was him, after all this time, it was him.

I wondered if he would come to greet me, or find some reason to talk to me. He hovered near me and we played the game. I laughed at all that was interesting, I spoke loudly and cajoling to my friend, and he glanced in my direction, but he never made a move, he didn't do a thing. When he left, I returned to normal and felt a sense of gladness that he was gone. He may not be what I want, but it's amazing how even his physical being causes me to alter my behavior to entice him to me.